First drafts of essays are littered with phrases that look good on paper but don’t capture emotions to get attention or motivate the admission team to act.
The fear that most applicants have is that the opener will be clichéd or too fancy or wouldn’t get the attention of the admission team.
The fear is so strong that they stop writing or creating variations.
Case Study: First Draft (Opening line for Franklin D Roosevelt's Dec 1941 speech)
The opening line for Franklin D Roosevelt's Dec 1941 speech that led the United States to World War II, didn’t start in the form that we know now.
Roosevelt began his draft in a formal written format, "Yesterday, December 7th, 1941 - a date which will live in world history, the United States of America was simultaneously and deliberately attacked by Naval and Air forces of the Empire of Japan without warning."
I encourage my clients to exaggerate the opening - in expression or the use of ‘fancy words’ or adjectives. Facing the fear of exaggeration by writing the exaggerated version of the openers helps them understand the worst versions they can create.
So how can we exaggerate Roosevelt’s speech?
"Yesterday, December 7th, 1941 - a date which will live in world history <forever in history>, the United States of America was simultaneously and deliberately <ruthlessly> attacked by Naval and Air forces of the Empire of Japan without warning."
"Yesterday, December 7th, 1941 - a date which will live <that will be etched > in world history, the United States of America was simultaneously and deliberately <and violently> attacked by Naval and Air forces of the Empire of Japan without warning."
Most exaggerated versions will have the use of adjectives. It works great in novels, but in essays, our first review is to spot unnecessary adjectives. Most applicants don’t have the experience to strategically place an adjective in the sentence where the impact doesn’t interfere with the narrative flow. In essays, the lesser the use of adjectives, the more believable your story becomes.
So what was the edited version that Roosevelt used?
Case Study: First Draft to Final Version (Opening line for Franklin D Roosevelt's Dec 1941 speech)
First Draft: "Yesterday, December 7th, 1941 - a date which will live in world history, the United States of America was simultaneously and deliberately attacked by Naval and Air forces of the Empire of Japan without warning."
Final Draft: Yesterday, December 7th, 1941 - a date which will live in world history infamy, the United States of America was simultaneously suddenly and deliberately attacked by Naval and Air forces of the Empire of Japan without warning."
Audience: The audience of the speech was the Citizens of United States.
Goal: The goal was to persuade the Citizens for a long, expensive, and violent war.
What to highlight: Justice (we didn’t attack first)
Words used to capture injustice: The use of ‘suddenly’ and ‘infamy’
What to hide: Any weakness in US Military
The removal of ‘without warning’ to hide that the US Military was not prepared
The absence of any adjectives to describe the attack is strategic.
‘Ruthlessly, violently, etc.’ would have painted American military as weak.
An editor, like me, goes through hundreds of decisions while removing or adding phrases to your essays.
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Tip #1: Create exaggerated versions of your opening line. Push the limits.
Note: The exercise instead of creating exaggerated openers lead to memorable openings. The goal is to stretch your imagination and keep creating variations. Let your mind work. Thinking without writing doesn’t help. Keep writing.
More easy to use tips in Winning MBA Essay Guide. Download your copy here.
